Mother's Day and Mixed Emotions...

Mother's day is a "holiday" in which we honor all that our mom's do for us.  But this mother's day I've thought a lot about what that means. Maybe it's because I've had a crazy week acting like a single parent while Kevin was in LA since Sunday.  Or maybe it's because I feel like I've not been the best mom this week while trying to do swimming lessons, school, homework, tball, playground trips, bedtime routine for two AND keep my patience and smile.

This mother's day my heart goes out to so many people.  I want you to know Mother's day isn't just for people with biological children.  So many people get sad on this occasion because they can't or haven't had children yet, they've lost their mother and so it reminds them of their grief or they have certain celebrations as children and have a mother that can't attend due to several reasons.  It's also hard for families that can't be together and dads that take on the role of mom and dad.  It's hard for biological mothers who gave their children up for adoption because they knew it would provide them with a better life.  

I saw a child get upset to tears because their mom couldn't be at the Muffins-4-Moms at daycare.  The mom showed up, just a little late, and I could see her heart breaking...why? Because she was a teacher and she couldn't get coverage soon enough to be there.  She wasn't feeling like a super mom even though she is for teaching other people's children daily.  My heart just breaks for situations of all kinds because we all feel like such failures at times, sometimes multiple times a day.

My heart goes out to couples trying to conceive or experiencing miscarriages, or even still-births.  I don't always know what to say in these cirucumstances and I tend to stumble on what words to choose that exhibit my empathy for them without offending.  So I just want you to know that even though I am fortunate enough to wish my mom a "Happy Mother's Day" and even though I will be having lunch with my Mother-in-Law and sister-in-law tomorrow to celebrate us moms...it doesn't mean you are not in my thoughts and prayers, because you are.   My heart goes out to anyone struggling with "holidays" or anyone that it makes them believe they are failing at something.  

Everyone has a story to tell and if you aren't sure of what others are experiencing, try to see what they don't say and be respectful.

While I wait.

I used to blog all of the time, well some of the time, especially when I only had one child...and I stayed at home.  Ok, so it's been a while since I've been an avid blogger, but I love the thought of it.  Several of my friends have blogs and I love reading the thoughts that occur in their minds.  There is something so refreshing about reading what people REALLY think or feel.  Not like a Facebook post where everything is somewhat sugar coated or if it's not - then people aren't sure how to act.  But in a blog - people are free to share their thoughts...after all, if people don't like it, they just hit that little x out and POOF! the blog is gone.

With all of that said, I have had the most interesting half a year and it is blog worthy.  Why?  Not because I have accomplished some things, not to sound confident, but to talk about the unknown and what I've learned and to remember the passion and goals I have right now, in this very moment.

My journey began in 2016 -- October -- and a dear friend mentioned, "Have you ever thought about going into administration?" I said yes - it was a goal of mine, but we didn't have the money for me to go back to school right now, I had two little kids and didn't want to take away time from them to accomplish my dreams, etc.  This dear friend said, "WAIT! Stop talking..." and she proceeded to tell me about an opportunity that would take care of all of the obstacles in the way of my goal.  I listened, I got excited and here I went to start the process.  I was going to apply for the North Carolina Principal Fellow Program.  It was a long shot, but the worst thing I could have been told was, "You are not what we are looking for..."

It's now January 15th, everything has been submitted and I wait.  I ask for grace while I wait.  I didn't tell many people what was going on mainly because fear set in.  "What if I don't get it? How embarrassing! Would people say good--I couldn't see her doing that or would they be excited?" So I waited...

March -- it comes.  I drove to the end of the driveway with my kids to leave the house, check the mail, and it was there!  The BIG yellow envelope from University of North Carolina Systems... (This same dear friend who had told me about this opportunity also jokingly told me..."If it's a big envelope, you're in.  If it's little, you're not.  They need the big envelope to send you all of the information.")  Guess what? She was right!

I got it!  Little ole me...I got it!  I was so excited and so scared and so everything, I cried! But that was just the beginning.  While all of my teacher friends started a new school year and fixed bulletin boards, set up classrooms and learned about their new students, I bought a backpack and notebooks.  I tried to find good writing pens and remember what it was like to be a student.  I told teachers and parents as they asked that I wouldn't be returning to the same school next year.  I was going to be a mom and a full-time grad student at East Carolina University.

When the news got out, I had so many different reactions from people.  I still do!  Phrases such as:, 

"I'm so excited for you. You'll do great with that."

"What in the world are you thinking? Why do you want to be an administrator?"

"We sure will miss your smiling face."

"Good luck! It's a lot of work."

"Aww, you're gonna have so much more time with your kids. Precious."
"What is it you're exactly doing?"

And so forth, and so on...

I know it's a lot of background, but what a half of year.  I have been challenged.  Challenges I have been faced with to think about what I stand for and believe in.  What am I willing to take a stand on and not back down on personally in order to be successful as a leader in education?  Challenged because I've had to learn that people will talk.  They will always talk.  If you do all of your work and stay ahead of the game, they will talk.  If you miss an assignment regardless of the reason, they will talk.  If people don't think what you are doing is as hard or important as someone else, they will talk.  If people think because you have two days off of school and you are doing work instead of keeping your kids home from daycare, they will talk.  You can be perfect and guess what...they still will talk.  We are all guilty of it to some degree, but some lessons are harder to learn than others.

I've had to find myself again.  I was Lyndsey, the testing coordinator - or Lyndsey, the music teacher, or Lyndsey - the one with many hats...but I've never just been "Lyndsey," at least for a long time.  While everyone else was getting ready for school and some dreading it, I was missing it.  What was I supposed to do?  I was missing the teaching and the children - I LOVE what I do.  I was missing helping teachers, because the past couple years that's what I tried to do.  Did I always? No...but I sure tried as I was learning myself.  I had to miss the socialization of seeing people and having conversations on a daily basis (even if it was on car duty or passing in the hallway.)  I had to introduce myself to a new group of people - and wait to see if they liked me or not.  I had to try and be me, but hope to not be judged.  I had to find my study habits again and schedule and see what worked and what didn't.  It was a new time in my life - a different time than I think I'll ever have again.  I also had (for the first time in a long time) time for me.  I had to make it, but I did!  Now was my chance to try and make a healthy lifestyle and work out.  Now was a time I could do daily devotions and make sure that I was being the mom and wife that God intended me to be.  

I have been blessed.  My husband has stepped in and picked up the kids or taken the kids on days I couldn't.  He's let me lock myself in a bedroom if I needed to read or study.  He's gone to the kids daycare party if I couldn't because of a meeting.  He's had the kids overnight several times because I got a job with ECU as a graduate assistant where I have had to travel.  It's been once in a lifetime experiences and he's just gone along with it - no questions asked (well maybe some, but they were easy ones.)  My kids - they are so precious and excited that mommy's going to school too!  I do all of my stuff during the day so that I don't miss hardly any time with them at all, but kids just love so easily.  I have met an amazing group of women in the Principal Fellow Program.  There are six that I see frequently and friendships have been formed there to last a lifetime.  I have also met some instant friends at meetings once a month in Chapel Hill.  I've even been blessed enough to be in contact again with a teacher whom I taught with in Florida.  I have been blessed completely with this opportunity.  To be able to be an active mom to my children, an active wife to my husband, a full-time grad student where my schooling is paid for and to also receive a salary...BLESSED is the only word that comes to mind.

I have been tested in my faith. This year full of opportunities and blessings also takes me out of my comfort zone.  It takes me out of the school that I loved, the job that I loved and then places me back in somewhere that I don't have control over.  I have to trust that God's plan is what will be followed.  I have to trust that wherever I'm placed and whoever I'm with will guide me and teach me.  I want this.  I have a passion for this and I could not be more excited to see what it's store.
                                          

Welcome to Spring Semester! 

What is perfection?

I have NO idea what perfection is, but it surely isn't me.  The closest way to sum it up for me is in these pictures:

 

Kevin and I were sitting around having a discussion about when we first got together and he said, "Babe - you've come a long way" in which of course I replied, "You too my love."

Although our conversation was all in fun, it was also the truth and this has been consuming my mind lately.  These two sleeping children have no idea how sweet and innocent and pure they are right now.  The worst they've done is say "No" to mommy, scream when they get really upset, or get in time-out for school (which usually their teachers say are for minor things).  

As they get older, choices get harder and we can't keep them in a bubble.  Even now, I hear conversations they have with older kids and it bothers me.  I want my four old year to think STUPID is a bad word for a very long time. And although it's used all around us, all of the time, I want him to know it sounds mean and would hurt someone's feelings.  I want him to learn the difference in how saying "Shut up" and "please be quiet" makes someone feel.  I want to always hear that he uses his manners when he's away from me and isn't embarrassed to show that he has a heart of gold .  (I'm mainly referring to Eli because he's my oldest one and we are experiencing all these first together as he grows up before my eyes.)  

But as much as we want for them, we are ever changing too.  I also want him and Evy to see how happily married Kevin and I are and understand why it's that way.  Marriage is work and life is work.  Putting Christ in your relationship can bring blessings that you didn't even know you missed.  (Just to set the record straight - Kevin and I have been Christians for a long time, but there is a HUGE difference in attending church and REALLY giving 100% effort to put Christ first in all things being done.)  Life is full of choices and decisions and then rewards or consequences to follow.  I'm 31, happily married to my best friend and the most wonderful person I've ever known, and have two beautiful children (who are four and two).  BUT, it is just now that I feel like I am finding parts of myself that I have been missing for years.

Our family has finally found a church family - one that we feel like we belong to and one that makes us want to strive to be more Christ-like.  Our kids love it, I love it and my husband loves it.  I look forward to Sundays and being braver about praying in front of people and being specific in prayer.  Sure, Kevin and I pray with our kids before bedtime, but we could do better.  I want to do better about being encouraging, and positive and uplifting.  I truly empathize with people when they go through something difficult.  If they cry, I'm crying because my heart breaks for them.  If I'm going through something, I try to put myself in someone else's shoes so that I keep myself grounded.  Feeling sorry for yourself doesn't ever help, it just makes you drown faster. BUT - there are many times in the past, maybe because we've moved so much and had so many different circles of friends, that I tended to be a hermit and only be consumed with things that pertained to my immediate family.  NOW - I want to help others, I want to give back. I want to show I care and instead of just saying, "I can't imagine what you're going through," ask people, "How can I help you?" 

 I say all of this because maybe you need encouragement, or maybe you need to work on you because you aren't sure what perfection is too.  So I leave this post with several scriptures and quotes that have really hit home for me lately...and I challenge you (if anyone is even reading this) to choose one thing you know you can do better, and really give 100% and work on it.  With all of the craziness in the outside world that I can't control for my kids, the LEAST I can do, is continue to strive for a better me (wife, mother and person) everyday.  Maybe they will always remember that and the world won't seem like such a harsh place as they continue to age and make their own choices.

              

and last but certainly not least...

The unexpected Wednesday.

               

 

  

Wednesday, July 20th, started out like any other day.  I woke up with my sweet yorkie, Muffin, pawing my shoulder saying she needed to go outside.  The kids were stirring around and so I rushed to let her out in the yard, went to give the kids their medicine (they have sinus infections) and then started putting cinnamon rolls in the oven.

After a few minutes, I realized I hadn't seen her...Muffin is always back at the door within a couple of minutes pawing or barking to get back in, but she wasn't.  I started to look for her around the yard, but the kids needed me so I came back in. I got the kids settled, turned the timer off in a hurry and went back outside.  I looked for what seemed like forever...I yelled, I whistled, I offered treats and a ride in the car, but I couldn't hear the dangling little charm on her collar anywhere.  I started to panic... and without the details, rightfully so it turns out.

As I fell apart about my best friend of 9 years, millions of things ran through my mind.  How was I going to tell my kids? Did I have to go back inside without her?  What do I do? I've never dealt with this before. The main thing was, "This is my fault. I should have looked sooner."

Some people say, "It's just a dog. It's a pet. How can you be THIS upset over a dog?"  They've obviously never had a close pet.





So I hope this helps anyone understand ...For 9 YEARS, this sweet dog I got as a puppy :

• Woke me up every morning by pawing my shoulder to let me know she needed to go outside.
• Slept curled up right behind my back or legs every single night in my bed.
• Followed me around, like a shadow, EVERYWHERE in my house...the kitchen, the bathroom, the bedroom, the kids rooms, the playroom.
• Everywhere I sat - she sat...right beside me, so she could be touching me.
• She was spoiled rotten and wanted to lay on a blanket or a pillow because she wanted to be comfy.
• She loved to play ball and fetch with the loudest squeaky toys ever, especially while I was folding laundry for some reason.

            

• She would destroy any toy you got her in less than a minute, especially if it had that white, cotton stuffing. But this ONE blue, LOUD elephant lasted...for years.
• She rode with me in the car if I was coming right back and would put her mouth right in front of the air vent.  After she did that, she'd lay down in my lap and sleep the rest of the way.

                                                                       

• She barked if she heard any car in the driveway and gave me a good 2 minutes heads up.
• She loved to play with Kevin and if he pretended to put his hands on me and I would say OUCH OUCH, she would growl at him like she was going to eat his hand off.  She really wouldn't, but she sure thought she was protecting me.
• She made me feel safe while Kevin traveled for work.
• Before Kevin, she was my sanity.  She was my safe place during one of the most difficult times of my life. She would lay right beside me if I ever got upset crying and would come up to my face and try to lick my tears.  She had this look that if I didn't know better, I'd say she got from me... She'd tilt her head to one side and stare at you like "Really?" 
• She layed with my kids, both of them, and slept beside them while they were babies.

   

• She tolerated them trying to ride her, and trying to rub her (but pulling her hair instead), and being in her face to kiss her or just talk to her.
• She would sit at the kids or adults feet while we ate. She would never bother you, just sit and watch.  BUT, if you ever left your plate, she'd grab your food faster than you could get whatever you needed and sit back down. She was a sneaky, but polite dog.
• She loved my parents and it was a given, that for whatever reason, anyone in the world could wear socks in the house EXCEPT for my dad. She would nip and bite at his toes until he took them off. That will always be a mystery to us.  
• She made my mom and Kevin's mom fall in love with her enough that they both let her inside their house. 
• She made my sister-in-law tolerate her and the first time she met her, she screamed when Muffin was around.
• She made everyone fall in love with her because she was the sweetest, most loving dog I've ever been around.  There wasn't a mean bone in her body.  The worst thing she'd ever do is lick you to death.
• And last but not least, everyday when I came home, she would turn one complete circle in her crate, and start picking up and putting down her paws.  When me or one of the kids opened the crate, she would fly out running as fast as she can into the living room and then come straight back to jump up on your legs and get rubbed. If you came in and sat down, she'd run all across your lap hoping you'd rub her back right in front of her tail (which was wagging a million miles a minute).
• ...And with Kevin...I always said they had their own little language... When kevin got home it's later in the evening, and muffin would be sitting with me, so she would growl this little growl, and then when she would see it was him she would RRRRRR like a mini wolf howling at the moon.  Kevin would do it back as high pitched as he could, and then Muffin was good.  She'd wait for Kevin to pet her and all was right in the world.

I col could go on & on forever, but the point of this is for people to see...she wasn't just a dog. She's like a family member who is there for every minute of every day and she's gone in an instant.  Our whole routine, everything we know is changed.  There are questions and comments by a four and a two year old constantly that are hard to explain and make me want to cry.

 

To end this, I want to say one more thing...although a piece of my heart left with my fur baby, I'm not out of reality enough to still be thankful.  Wednesday was an unexpected day, with bad news that changed our lives - BUT I have a loving, wonderful husband and two beautiful, happy, healthy children.  People wake up everyday and lose family members, and although losing our pet is like losing a child...it wasn't a child.

We are very blessed and one day, when the kids are a little older and I can have another dog without missing Muffin so bad, we will pick one out as a family.  I don't want a replacement, I want to be able to love another dog as much as I loved her. Even though you lose pets eventually - they are worth it. Until then, rest easy my sweet Muffin...I promise you will be thought of daily. We love you.